When I got to the barn for monday's lesson, Meeka had just been served her hay and was going at it like there was no tomorrow. Your typical day in the life of a mare... So out of compassion (from one glutton to another) I decided to tack her in her box so she could continue grazing while I groomed and saddled her. Just trying to be nice, you know?
Then when I got to putting on her bit, she fiddled, tried to escape, tried to bite, abruptly turned around in her box to avoid my (now hesitating) hands, and there I was, trying to follow her shoulder in that box that now felt like as spatious as an airplane lavatory. So much for trying to be nice! But I must admit to having a farmer grandfather who shared so many horror stories about him and some cattle confined in a tight place that I am now nervous when I spend more than two milliseconds in a box already occupied by a horse, as friendly as it may be. But with the patient help from coach Cynthia, I finally got her ready and under control.
Once in the arena, I laboured a little to get into the saddle. I was hesitant as I felt her a bit skittish and she's so tall and everything. But with a big lock of mane in one hand and the remainder of my self-confidence in the other, I finally hopped in the saddle, hoping this was not a preview of the class that was lying ahead. But it was...
For the first time I really felt Meeka trying to evade. Her style: no rearing, no bucking, just plain stubbornness and constantly trying to run away from my leg. So she felt like a revved up Ferrari (not that I know what that feels like though...) ready to race for her dear life. Lucky for me I now feel much more comfortable with canter. Finally... ;-)
On the planning for today's lesson was something brand new: haunches in. Yikes! Well, the intention was there for my part, but maybe not the talent. I tried and tried again and ended up a bit harsh with my hands trying to compensate for what seemed to be totally ineffective legs. And after a while, I think I mentally gave up. Had I had a megaphone attached to my brain, you would have heard the likes of: " I'm such a lousy rider" or " This is way too difficult for me" or, my personal favorite, " Who am I kidding here? I'm obviously no athlete and this is way too technical for me. I should really have given up this horse-riding thing a long time ago. Well, it's been nice while it lasted...". I was really frustrated with myself and quite a bit discouraged with this whole dressage endeavour...
But at the end of the class, Cynthia asked me if I minded letting her ride Meeka for a few minutes. I felt she wanted to validate something. And much to my surprise, this wonderful coach and tremendous rider could barely get Meeka's attention and obedience and she was not gratified with haunches in either. Cynthia even felt the need to apologize for the fact that I had to ride Meeka in such an uncooperative state of mind for the whole lesson (at which time I told her this was part of the game and of my learning curve, no apologies required whatsoever).
So guess what: I have learned much more than just the aids for haunches-in that day... The personal personal aspect of the lesson was twofold: First of all, I should never let one little difficulty - that can be caused by so many things other than by a possible lack of talent - affect my self confidence this way. Horse and rider are a team and if one of the two is not in the mood for training, performance is affected for the both of them and it's NORMAL. And this one I need to apply to life in general. Duly noted.
Secondly, I should relinquish that constant need to be outstanding. There were no judges that day, there was no reason for me to be so harsh on myself aside from my lifelong quest for "perfection on first attempt". Next time around, I want to stay in the present moment and try to enjoy the ride without being so demanding of myself. I need to give me the right to be an average rider that truly enjoys her sport instead of trying to be the best rider constantly criticizing myself for any flaw in my technique or in my achievements.
This is supposed to be fun, isn't it? Unless somebody tells me I'm to participate to the next Olympic Games or something, it needs to remain about fun. Until then, I'll check the criticism in the car before I enter the barn and enjoy renewing with the pleasure of bathing in the musky and welcoming smell of my equine friends and be grateful for the joy they have brought me, and keep bringing me, one ride after another.
2 comments:
Hi Marie.
I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes too get discouraged and think I suck and why oh why go on! For me it can become about stubborn-ness if a horse is being resistant: it becomes a fight - and honestly, I am just not a strong enough rider to win a fight with a pissed-off animal that weighes a ton! I am trying to always remember, when I ride, that I do this because it is fun and I love it. It is about the collaboration with the horse; about what we can accomplish together. I think that if I had my own horse I would train in quite a different way, like sometimes if something just isn't working - even just a stubborn horse not wanting to get into the depth of a corner, I would like to either focus on that particular problem for half an hour, or depending on the mood of the horse, to go do something entirely different, like a trail ride. But, because I'm in a class I can't do that, so it becomes a compromise. However, if I stay positive and try to focus (in those impossible situations) on something that is going right, then I can walk away from the class feeling good about being effective, consistant and successful at SOMETHING.
Long comment short - yeah, don't be so hard on yourself! And, imagine if horses just did everything we told them to - there would be no sense of accomplishment at all - and we would have no honest relationship with the horse.
Dea.
Hi Dea,
I couldn't have said it better. Great attitude, that's exactly what I should be doing. The thing is, I've been a perfectionist and an over-achiever for the past 40 years, striving to perform above & beyond my own personal resources sometimes. I'm trying to quit now, I've sure paid the price, but I still have a hard time letting go.
And that's the great thing about horses, they won't let me set their agenda. And if I insisted on keeping mine, well, I would be in for more disappointments, like this week was. So here's to horses being stubborn... maybe they'll even succeed in teaching me how to take better care of myself by setting a good example!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write, that was great feedback.
Marie
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